The darndest things...

Hazel: Mom, you're off from work tomorrow? Why? Is it veterinarian's day?


Juniper: Mom? Dad wants you, for some inscrutable grown up reason.


Hazel (describing what it's like to have a sister): Sometimes you think she's so stupid it's like her brains have been scooped out with a spoon and you just want her to go away, but sometimes you love her so much and you just want to put your head in her jacket to be close to her.


Juniper: Siri is the iPad thing. Alexa is the one that plays music and does 20 questions. Google Home does everything Alexa does plus turns on and off the lights.


Hazel (indignant at being separated from her cousin after they crawled under a long row of chairs to the other side of the sanctuary during a church service): But you never told us not to!
Sally: I also never told you not to throw the hymnals at people.
Hazel: But that's a social norm!


Juniper (on poetry): It is toothpaste and farts and donkeys eating burritos!
With thanks to US Poet Laureate Juan Felipe Herrera for his book Jabberwalking. 


Hazel: Have you ever eaten your eye boogers? (pause) They're pretty good.

Overheard in the H-D household

Sally: I'll take that under advisement. Do you know what that means?
Juniper: Yes. You'll think about it. Which is kind of grown-up for "maybe."


Hazel: Is this spooning?
Sally: Sort of.
H: What is it?
S: Cuddling?
H: Is this forking?


Hazel: On a scale of 6 to 8, I think this cheese is a 7.


Juniper [singing]: Little turd Fufu, hoppin' through the sewer, scoopin' up the microbes and boppin' 'em on the head.
Aaron [whispering]: I don't want to encourage poop talk at the table, but it's hard to stop her when she's making up songs about microbes.


Juniper: Hazel is trying to tickle my imagination.


Aaron: I like hanging out with you.
Hazel: I know.
A: Yeah, but it's still good to say sometimes.
H: I can tell by your actions.


Hazel: What tree has the best bark?
Luke: An oak sap
H: No, it's a joke. It's not an oak sack.
L: Oak sap.
H: What tree has the best bark?
[pause]
L: That one!
H: No, a Dogwood! 


Juniper: [whispering during her school's foreign language showcase event] The patriarchy is woven throughout the Spanish language.

More Quotable Kids

Hazel: I heard on the news, there's a Really. Big. Spork, heading north.


Juniper: This would be a GREAT name for a god! Owlena. Get it? Owl plus Athena. OWLENA!
[Editor's note: as a former giant classics nerd who still has a very soft spot for the myths, legends, and literature of Ancient Greece, I cannot exaggerate how happy this made me.]


After hearing a news story about conflict in Syria
Hazel: I know! Juniper, when we grow up, we can be peacemakers, and then there won't have to be any more war!


Starting a "conversation story"
Sally: Once upon a time, a friendly dragon fell into a hole.
Hazel: And the dragon was trapped, and the dragon could only see the sky. The dragon couldn't get out.
Juniper: And then erosion (which is a natural process), erosion happened so that the earth around the hole was worn away, till it was all the same level, and the dragon flew away.


Hazel: For my birthday, I want some weapons and a necklace.
Aaron: Ok. For a necklace, do you want something like a pearl bead necklace?
Hazel: No, I want the kind of necklace that goes around your waist and you can hang weapons from it.


Juniper: If we all dressed up as a werewolf family, that would be really creepy!
Hazel: That's a great idea! We just need some vampire teeth.


Hazel: Was Macbeth a bad guy?
Sally: Yeah...complicated, and interesting, but a bad guy.
[Pause]
Hazel: Like Darth Vader. He's a complicated bad guy.


After reading a description of what infinity is
Aaron: Can you think of something that's infinite?
Juniper: Well, the universe is finit, but it's always getting bigger, so that's infinite. It's finit and it's infinite.


Hazel: Mama?
Sally: Yes ma'am?
Hazel: Don't say "yes ma'am." You can say "yes pumpkin."


Sitting next to her sister, not too long before Christmas
Hazel: What would be a good place to buy a book?
Sally: What do you mean? What kind of book?
Hazel: Oh, you know, a book with magic...and stuff...and adventures...and...things. A book that's full of fantasy and all the things Juniper likes.
Sally: If I wanted to buy a book like that, I would go to Little Shop of Stories, or I would go to Amazon, which is an online store on the internet.
Hazel: Let's go to the Little Shopping Stories, but don't tell Juniper.


Hazel: What's a scimitar?
Juniper: It's a curvy sword.
Sally: That's absolutely correct, but how do you know what a scimitar is?
Juniper: I read a lot of books.


While setting up our new bird feeder
Hazel: We just heard some birds. I think the birds are spreading the news about the bird feeder.


Opening a box of chocolates
Juniper: I got a white man's sampler!


Flipping through a street atlas
Hazel: I'm reading a GPS book.


Hazel: Sometimes when I'm at Waffle House, I have a growth spurt. Because I like the food so much.


Hazel: It's hard to put on lip goo.
Aaron: Why?
H: Because I have a dirty sock on my face.
A: Why do you have a dirty sock on your face?
H: To protect my nose from Juniper's farts.


Reading a counting book
Sally: What's this number?
Hazel: Seventeen.
S: And this one?
H: Eighteen. 
S: And this one?
H: Nineteen.
S: And this one?
H: Zeroteen.


Hazel: I don't believe in spirits, but I do believe in magic.
Juniper: I believe in the spirit of nature.
H: I believe in the spirit of fighting.


Hazel: When I'm 5, I'll decide whether or not I believe in God.


Juniper: That was wicked!
Hazel: What do you mean? That was awesome!


After reading the Percy Jackson books, Juniper was wondering whether she might be the demigod child of various Olympians.
Hazel: If you were a child of DiaNOsus, you'd really like beer.


Juniper: Due to the misunderstandment...

Quotable kids

Looking at a telephone pole
Hazel: Why isn't it cooked?
Sally: What? I don't understand.
Hazel: But you can only get splinters from raw wood.


Juniper: Something is pondering me.


On being old enough to go from nursery care to Sunday School classes
Hazel: I'm thinking that there might be some celebrating in the big church because I'm done with the nursery.


Expressing concern about her very first spelling test
Juniper: And there are two four-letter words!
Aaron: Only two words? That doesn't sound bad.
J: No, there's lots of words, but only two of them have four letters.
A: What's one of the four-letter words?
J: Back.
A: How do you spell back?
J: B-A-C-K
A: See, you can spell four-letter words. What do the other words have, three letters?
J: Yeah, and two letters.
A: This sounds easy.
J (indignantly): Easy for you!! You can probably spell proboscis!!


Hazel (getting into a hot car): It smells like the sun!


Talking about some litter she just saw
Hazel: And one time, with Dad, we saw a bunch of those little papers that steal from poor people.
Sally: Lottery tickets?
Hazel: Yeah, that litter. There was a bunch of them. Those people weren't being very respective of the world.
(I think this one may say more about her parents than it does about Hazel.)

The biggest nerd I know

This evening while Aaron was putting the girls to bed, Juniper came out in tears that she wasn't getting to do her Bedtime Math problem. As Juniper explained it, she and Aaron had a "misunderstanding" about whether Juniper was helping Hazel with her problem, or doing Hazel's problem for her. I was predisposed to be sympathetic to Juniper because Aaron and I had just finished a conversation about how this year's new school schedule leaves her with appallingly little free time during the week.

Juniper (tearfully pleading): Maybe tomorrow, if we have some extra time, I can do my problem from today?

Sally: If you get ready quickly in the morning, you can absolutely do your bedtime math problem in the morning.

Juniper (still crying, but now somewhat hopeful): I know, maybe on Saturday, when I don't have to get ready, I'll have time to catch up! I can do all my problems on Saturday.

Sally: Honey, Dad and I were just talking about plans for Saturday. You can do whatever you want on Saturday. If you want to do math problems, you can do lots of math problems. If you want to go to Fernbank [the science museum], we can go to Fernbank. If you want to do both, we can do both. You're going to get to pick what we do on Saturday.

Juniper (post-cry whimpering): I wanna do both. I wanna do math problems and go to Fernbank on Saturday.

On the way out of the room, she spotted a new game Aaron's company is developing and added board games to her plan for the weekend.

Two book lovers

A common request in our household: "Juniper, will you please read the words up loud? I don't know how to read the words."

Juniper on the Sex Pistols

The scene: two girls building blanket forts, while "Anarchy in the UK" plays in the background.

Sally: I'm about to go take a shower. Do you want me to leave this music on, or should I turn it off?

Juniper: No, leave it on. It sounds like beautiful light music in our tents.



Aaron and I introduced the girls to punk last weekend. Juniper completely validated our discussion about how things that are initially shocking become commonplace.

Mornings at our house

Sally: You have been getting ready for twenty minutes. And all you've done is put on pants.

Juniper: [growls] IT'S NOT!!!!!! I peed!! And I put on underwear under my pants!!!


We tried a new game/motivational technique of timing how long it took the girls to get ready this morning.With adults, tracking and measuring things typically leads to improvement. I wonder whether the same is true for children. At the very least, they were excited by the stopwatch and thrilled to hear their time.

Not including breakfast: 42 minutes and 19 seconds. (At 40+ minutes, breakfast was a banana and some peanuts eaten at the bus stop.)

Spidey gets a haircut

"I want short hair, like Lukie and Henry." Yes, ma'am. Hazel loves her new haircut. She's delighted anew every day by not having to brush it, and by how easy it is to wash. She was particularly enthusiastic when Henry came over the day after she got it cut. She was literally bouncing with excitement to show him and kept saying that he was "gonna be a fan" of her new haircut.

This is Aaron's first attempt at a pixie haircut. Hopefully with practice his hair cutting skills will be able to stay a few steps ahead of her fashion sense.

Shape Robot

Juniper's class just completed a math unit about shapes. Over the winter break, she had an assignment to build a robot out of two- and three-dimensional shapes. One of their rules was that the robot could not be taller than the child who made it, so of course Juniper wanted to make sure that her robot was almost but not quite as tall as she is.

They presented their robots to the class and named all of the shapes used in their robots. After the presentations, pedantic Juniper was agitated that one of her classmates used Coke bottles for his robot's arms: That's an irregular shape. It's not a classic shape.

"I lost my tooth, and I lost my tooth!"

A new milestone on the path from little kid to big kid: last Friday, Juniper lost her first tooth! As she described it, she was eating lunch at school when she noticed blood on her cornbread. She excitedly confirmed that she had a gap in her mouth, but the tooth was nowhere to be found. Her teacher reported Juniper's joke back to us: "I lost my tooth, and I lost my tooth!"

The tooth had been wiggly since just before Thanksgiving, and Juniper was excited about the prospect of losing her first tooth and receiving her first visit from the tooth fairy. She was concerned about what would happen, given that she had no tooth to leave under her pillow. Her teacher helpfully wrote a note to the tooth fairy, attesting to the fact that Juniper really did lose (and lose) her tooth.

Those of you who know Juniper will not be surprised to hear that her scientific mind went to work analyzing the idea of the tooth fairy. She thought and thought and thought and drew some mature conclusions, including the realization that no matter what, she is looking forward to receiving a gold dollar coin in a fancy envelope the next time she loses a tooth and that she is glad someone put it there.

Irrepressible

A few weeks ago Juniper had her second turn as the UUCA chalice lighter. She carried out her responsibilities calmly, efficiently, and with as much poise as this particular kid can muster. Once the chalice was lit and she had led the congregation in saying the chalice lighting words, she starting walking back to her seat. As she left the main floor of the sanctuary to go up into the pews, she burst into a giant smile and loudly proclaimed, "Well that was fun!"

As part of our bedtime routine, I often sing the simple hymn "Come, Come Whoever You Are." One of Juniper's earliest experiences in the UUCA sanctuary was being amazed to hear this bedtime song sung by everyone in "the big church" (as opposed to the nursery). She and Hazel still often call it "the big church song." Saturday night as I was singing to Juniper, she suddenly got something new out of the song. She excitedly interrupted my singing: "Hey, this means that whoever you are, you can come to church! And, and, even if you're on a different path, you can still come!"

Proper

"I'm puttin' them away pwopawe." I love that my very proper child can properly use the word properly, even though she cannot pronounce it properly. She put all those dominoes in their box, all by herself.

Hazel is a good Applegath kid--she loves her dominoes.

Quotable Kids

[After Juniper explained that it's more fun to hang out with just Leo, or just Thomas, but not both at the same time]
Sally: Why?
Juniper: Because there's less chaos. When there's all the kids, sometimes there's just too much chaos. All three is the most chaos, and just Leo is less chaos or just Thomas is less chaos. And just me is no chaos.
S: I don't know, Juniper. You can get up to some chaos even when it's just you.
J: Yeah, but I like my chaos. And Leo likes just his chaos. And Thomas likes just his chaos. [pause] You know, there is one thing. We do all like to play superheroes.


Henry: Can I have the scissors when you're done?
Hazel: You don't have to keep asking because I'm gonna be done soon.


Juniper: Are you going to say any more bad words? Like idiot?


Hazel [spotting a convertible]: Look! It's a car with no lid!!


Violet: I'm going to spy on you!
Juniper: Then I'm going to stay close to my mom all day.
Violet: That will make it easier for me to spy on you!


Violet: I've got some lettuce because we got to pick lettuce and bring it home!
Sally: Did you also pick some lettuce Juniper?
Juniper: Yes, but I think my lettuce and Violet's got mixed up.
V: No, you just accidentally lost yours.
J: Ooo-oh, right!!!


Juniper: [petulantly] Well then I won't be happy for the rest of the day!!!
Violet: I don't think that's true?


[After Juniper passed some hand-me-down shoes on to Violet.]
Sally: You and Juniper have kind of different styles of clothes that you like to wear.
Violet: I like kind of fashion clothes.
Juniper: And I like superhero clothes!


[While trying to get Juniper to clean up the living room]
J: There's so much fun stuff to do, I just feel like I should do it now, instead of later.
[Half an hour later, the time spent reading a dinosaur book}
J: There's a lot to do when you can't concentrate, or don't want to.


Juniper: Vocabulary is a place to store the words you like.


Sally: Can you tell me about that picture you were drawing with the crayons?
Hazel: No.
S: Ms. Lonnette said that you and Henry both had something to say about your pictures, and I already heard Henry tell me about his picture. I'm very interested in your picture.
H: It's not interesting. It's boring.


Juniper: Well, then, let's play library where you read and read and read.

Catching flies with honey

Hazel seems to be learning that polite requests are a more effective bedtime stalling tactic than screaming and crying. Friday night at bedtime:

"And, Dad, while you're here, may I have a sweater?" Aaron gives Hazel a sweater.

"And, Dad, while you're here, may I have Juniper's covers?" Aaron gives Hazel Juniper's covers.

"And, Dad, while you're here, there's a rhino in our room."

"There's no rhino. Rhinos don't like living in houses. They live in Africa."

"And they also live at LegoLand."

(A few months ago, Hazel was traumatized by a rhino she saw in a cartoon at LegoLand. She's been talking about it ever since.)

Who is this big girl?

Aaron: Please don't throw our clean things down on the floor.
Hazel: I'm not throwing it down. I'm throwing it up in the air, and then it's coming down.

Reading gives you super powers

One of Aaron's favorite Juniper stories: a couple of years ago, after reading a Dr. Seuss book about all the amazing, wonderful, silly things one could be, Aaron asked Juniper what she wanted to be when she grew up. Juniper thought about it for a moment and replied, "When I grow up, I'm going to be able to read all the words."

Hazel's favorite

Hazel: Tigers are my favorite.
Sally: Tigers are your favorite animal?
Hazel: Grasshoppers are my favorite animal.
Sally: Oh, I didn't know that. What about grasshoppers makes them your favorite animal?
H: They make me laugh.
S: What about grasshoppers makes you laugh?
H: Because they can give me corn.
S: Oh really! How can a grasshopper give you corn?
H: With her feet.

Quotable Hazel

[After sneezing] I did a bless you.


Why did the turtle cross the road? To find a shell!


Why did the moster not share? Because it was a goldfish!
[Actual joke that Juniper learned from her joke book and tried to teach Hazel: Why didn't the lobster share? Because it's a shellfish!]


I gotta good idea. I gotta good plan.


[Protesting the application of her nightly eczema lotion] It's my body! I didn't ask you.


[Insistently shaking her hand in a karate chop motion] I be right back in three minutes. I be right back in three minutes.


[In the car]
Sally: Juniper, do you want to talk with me, or are you reading?
Juniper: I'm reading.
Hazel: I can talk with you, mama.

That's enough

It's not always fun to be a parent, or to be a kid. A stomach bug swept through the Honeycutt-Dill household last week, and we had some pathetic kids. The most pitiful moment of the illness was when Hazel, in the middle of throwing up, proclaimed, "That's enough. That's enough. That's enough."

Lots of sleep, lots of screen time, and lots of hot wash laundry.